Christian is still in the hospital and will be here until at least Friday. He has a bacteria infection that most likely started in his mouth. He has thrush and now that I know this I ask Why they didn't look in his mouth as soon as we came back into the hospital considering it is very common due to no immunity after chemo, steroids and all the other meds. but i am quickly learning that i have to be on top of everything.
There are some nurses that are fantastic and their are some that should get a desk job not talking to people. There are also too many hands in the pot so making sure he is getting the correct medicines is something apparently the mommy has to do. And when the doctor doesn't order a platelet transfusion but he gets another one is a big concern and forces mommy to tell them to get their heads out of their..books. I'm quickly learning that its true when I used to hear 'you're your sons advocate ' I used to roll my eyes because I thought they were just reciting a phrase they heard others say. It's true - I am my sons advocate.
As a mommy , the worst feeling is to not be able to ease your babies pain. I remember like it was yesterday when my newborn Christian came home from the hospital with 4 broke ribs because he got stuck in the birth canal and all I kept saying was how much I wish I could take the pain away. How much I wished it was me. Christian is a fighter - he was born a fighter!
He gives me this stare of understanding - something that he has not done to anyone else. It's almost a stare of defeat but with a twist of " I'm pissed off at this situation mommy". He's done it a few times and my response is always the same ( big smile on my face ) " your going to be ok my love, you're going to get better , mommy is so proud of you- no worries" and he just softly nods his head.
I have no choice but to come to terms with my baby having cancer. Cancer , cancer,cancer. I have to keep saying 'cancer ' out loud as freely as I would say the word pizza. I need it to be a household word so my children don't fear it.
Boy is this hard to do...
I must say, I am so proud of my family. So proud of my husband for being my rock when I fall and I'm proud that he allows me to be his rock when he falls. My husband is an angel on earth, a remarkable daddy to his boys. He is a true miracle and a beautiful example of how someone can beat cancer and be healthy and in remission for 20 years!
I am proud of my little boy Michael that understands mommy can't be there every night to tuck him in and snuggle because she is taking care of Christians booboo. It breaks my heart that this experience will inevitably force him to grow up so much faster than he should. I believe in my boys, just as much as I believe that the sun will rise tomorrow.
...I am proud of myself for keeping it together and also allowing myself to fall apart. As I sit here with tears streaming down my face - I know I am blessed to have my little boy .
I know that if I didn't use my motherly Instincts to bring him to the doctor when I did, Christian would not be here with us right now.
I am blessed.