So today is the day. The cancer community calls this day D-Day . The Day of diagnosis. The day my whole world turned upside down and inside out. . On one hand, I can't believe it's been a year that I walked into my pediatricians office with an irritable crying 3 yr old pale as a ghost, nose bleeding and red dots all over his face. On the other hand , this has been the longest most trying and heart wrenching year of my life. Of our lives. It has made me love more, hate more , strive more, cry more , get weak at the knees more and just plain old scream for mercy more . Just when you think you can't go one more day .. You do. Because you have to.
I find it very difficult to express myself today with constant flashbacks of last year. At this point , I really feel like I have PTSD . With all that we have been through and still will be going through treatment for the next 2 years and 8 months, it would not be far fetched if I did.
After being told from the pediatrician to rush him to Westchester Hospital , I got on the phone and called my husband. A man that had bladder cancer at the age of 19 , all of a sudden feels the heart wrenching pain of his own baby with a diagnosis of cancer. Before he left work all of his head co workers got on their knees and prayed in a circle with him. Grown men on their knees, crying ,raising their hearts and prayers to the Lord. I wasn’t there but the thought of it still raises the hair on my arms. I thank all that have and still continue to pray for our baby boy.
I remember being so very scared and having to force myself to keep it together. Listening to the doctors and not understanding a word they were saying but repeating them for clarity. Leukemia? I had no clue what it was. I kept saying to my parents - the doctor told me it’s cancer , I don’t know what kind of cancer it is! I was so frustrated and felt lost that I was being told something that I didn’t research and I couldn’t fix.
Today, I can tell you all there is to know about Leukemia. Really I’m a walking dictionary. Weeks and weeks in the hospital with my baby boy hooked up to a pole, daily visits to numerous clinics, home health nurses for certain chemos , spinal taps, “push” chemos, and daily oral chemo .. My boy is amazing! BOTH my boys are amazing. Michael has been such a great brother and so very strong in all of this.
We all deal with crisis differently. Some want to check out and believe it will all go away when they open their eyes, Some retreat and push everyone away from them, some do everything they can to know about the disease and read every google article and statistical analysis, some go in denial and some get angry. My husband and I have been through it all and with the grace of God, we have not choked each other yet.
It’s hard. There I said it . It’s Hard! No one likes to tell you that marriages are effected by children being sick. Everyone I speak to likes to sugar coat it and show me all the rainbows and butterflies coming out of their butts. I would love to be a fly on the wall of couples with a child with a disease and see how they really feel. No facades here ;)
I am so grateful for having my family and for having my baby boy here with us to share our lives together.
I pray that this year is quiet, calm, therapeutic and soothing for us all.